"Paige,
I stepped out of the dating scene for about 5 years and I am
truly rusty on a lot of basic things. I have a question that
I really need help with:
When should we (or should we ever) as women offer to pay the
bill on a date?
Your website has helped me out with my thought process on
dating. But I haven't read anything on 'who's paying for this
date.' Can you please write about that?
Thanks,
Jahmalia"
************************************************************
PAIGE'S DATING DISH TIP #3: "IT'S ALL ABOUT THE 'OFFER.'"
************************************************************
"Hey Jahmalia,
Good question. This is one that I address in 'Dating Without
Drama' (Chapter 5) My advice is DO always offer to pay.
As I say in my book:
"My friend Ella has a little trick. Right around the time when
she and her date are finished sharing dessert, she excuses
herself to go to the bathroom. When she returns to the table,
9 times out of 10 the check will have already come and her date
will have paid.
'Omigosh, you didn't have to do that,' she'll say. 'Here...
let me give you some money,' she'll 'insist,' but of course
her date will refuse.
What Ella doesn't know is that most of her dates are well aware
of the bathroom trick and don't appreciate it.
In my experience, most men really do want to pay for the date
(and will probably insist on doing so) but find it so
refreshing when the woman doesn't EXPECT them to.
So when the check comes, offer to contribute. He'll think
you're really cool, and he probably won't let you give him a
dime."
Here are a few other quick
DO's and DON'Ts OF 'CHECK ETIQUETTE':
DO:
...DECIDE HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT WHO PAYS.
You may consider yourself a modern woman who's
proud to contribute to a date with her hard-earned
cash. Fine. You may be old-fashioned, believe in
chivalry, and want your date to pay. That's fine
too. Just know that men will also have an opinion
one way or the other. If this is an important issue
you feel strongly about, you'll want to seek out
men who are on the same page of your etiquette book.
...OFFER TO PAY ON EVERY DATE.
When the check comes, reach for your wallet in
a genuine, sincere way, not a fake gesture. (Make
sure you have enough money to cover your share).
If he says, "Thanks, but this is on me,"
say a warm "thank you. Dinner was amazing." If he
lets you go dutch, don't begrudge it. You offered!
Now you can evaluate how you feel about him based on
DO #1. If he didn't handle the delicate "dance of the
dining check" to your satisfaction, it's your choice
whether to go out with him again.
...PAY FOR AT LEAST ONE THING ON A DATE.
If you're out with Mr. Chivalry and he's just put his
platinum card down on an expensive meal, insist on
paying for the cab or an after-dinner nightcap. It's
not going to even the score, but it shows that you
care about being out with HIM and aren't just in it
for the meal ticket.
...DISCUSS WHEN TO GO DUTCH.
After seeing the same man for several weeks, it's
only polite to discuss whether you should start to
pay your own way (especially if you are in comparable
financial situations). There's no right or wrong
answer, as long as both of you feel comfortable with
the decision.
DON'T
...BUST YOUR BUDGET FOR HIS CHAMPAGNE TASTES.
If you'd like to go dutch but your date keeps
choosing places that are out of your budget, let him
know. Say, "Wow, I feel so spoiled with all the great
places you're taking me. I'd love to start chipping
in or go dutch with you at a place that's a little
more budget-friendly for me." He'll be impressed that
you offered and will either adjust plans accordingly
or be happy to pay for you.
Now get out there and enjoy your dates, Jahmalia!"