Datingwithoutdrama-Book

3 Simple Steps to Summer Love

2011-06-07T23:18:00.000-07:00

Around this time of year I always get an extra spring in
my step...

I'm sure it has a lot to do with the sun staying out longer
and the weather getting warmer, but I start feeling lighter,
more carefree and optimistic.

Can you relate?

If so, I'd like to encourage you to harness that energy and
positivity and use it toward creating a love filled (and drama-
free!) summer beyond your wildest expectations.

You *ABSOLUTELY* have the power to make it happen!

And if you need a little help getting into that positive
frame of mind, I can help with that too.

In fact, that's what today's email is all about. So slather
on the SPF, bust out your bikini, and read on for a DISH that
will prepare you to dive right into summer!

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DRAMA OF THE WEEK:
"I Don't Want to Be Single This Summer!"

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"Paige,
For some reason I am depressed about summer being around the
corner. I think it's because I'm single.
I don't want to go to all the parties and barbecues and
weddings by myself. And I want to be able to enjoy all the
romantic summer stuff(going to the beach, outdoor dinners,
etc) with a nice guy! That's not too much to ask is it???
I feel like I'm never going to meet a man and I'm going to
spend my summer alone.
Help!
Amanda
Huntington, NY"

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PAIGE'S DATING DISH TIP: "Three Simple Steps For
Successful Summer Dating"

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"Hi Amanda,

Thanks for writing and for bringing up such a timely topic.
I understand why the rising temperatures have got you feeling down.

HOWEVER, today I want to help you achieve a whole new outlook on
your love life and seize the unique opportunities that summer
provides to attract and meet great men, as well as have an all-
around blast.

I'm going to show you how in 3 Simple Steps:

*STEP 1: TALK THE (SELF) TALK*

First things first... You'll want to adjust your attitude to
ensure that you stop any self-defeating thoughts that could be
sabotaging your chances to meet someone special.

As I say in "Dating Without Drama" (you'll find this in your
Self-Discovery Workbook that comes along with your eBook):

"You may not realize it, but all day long, every day, you're having
a conversation with yourself. You make sense of the world around
you, process information, and make decisions all with the help of
the inner-dialogue in your mind.

This is commonly referred to as self-talk.

Your thoughts may range from neutral observations "That wall is
bright red," to extremely positive "Today's going to be a great
day," to very negative, "I'll NEVER find a boyfriend."

Although your self-talk usually runs on "autopilot," you absolutely
can control your thoughts (specifically, stop your negative self-
talk and turn it into positive self-talk) when you put your mind to
it.

This is good news because your self-talk actually has a significant
impact on your self-esteem and even the outcome of your actions in
your everyday life.

Here's an example: Let's say you walk around every day thinking
"I'll never meet a man... I'll never meet a man... I'll never meet
a man."

Guess what? Chances are good that you won't!

Your words have a very powerful effect on you and you'll actually
start to believe that you'll never meet a man. You'll cease to
carry yourself with confidence - you'll slump your shoulders over,
have a scowl on your face, you won't make eye contact with men (all
of these are visual cues that say to men, "Stay away! I'm
unapproachable! If you try to talk to me I will reject you!"
And no man likes rejection, so why would he take a chance to
approach you?).

Now what if you walked out of the house every morning thinking
"Today could be the day that I'll meet someone really special"?
How would that change your outlook?

You'd dress your best, take pride in your appearance, straighten up
your posture and walk with a confident spring in your step and a
smile on your face. When that handsome man accidentally bumps into
you with his shopping cart at the grocery store, you'll smile
flirtatiously because, in your mind, you'll be thinking "I wonder
if he's the special man I'm supposed to meet!"

This friendly, positive reaction (rather than the sarcastic
"WELL EXCUUUSE ME" that you'd grumble as a result of your negative,
"see, all men are jerks" self-talk) just might encourage that cute
shopper to ask if you know where he can find the paper towels...
and if he can get your phone number!

It's easy to re-program your self-talk...it just takes a little
awareness and some practice.

I show you exactly how to do that in Chapter 2 of "Dating Without
Drama"

*STEP 2: WALK THE WALK*

Now that you've got yourself believing (through positive self talk)
that THIS IS THE SUMMER YOU'RE GOING TO MEET A SPECIAL MAN
(or many great men!), you've got to carry yourself accordingly.

One of the best things about summer (that you can definitely use to
your advantage) is all the fun fashions. This is the most feminine
season of all, so make a decision today that you are going to
create a flirty summer look and WORK IT!

Ditch the drab colors and heavy fabrics in favor of bright colors
and swingy skirts and sundresses. You don't have to spend a lot of
money or even dress up too much - a casual A-line skirt paired with
a crisp white t-shirt and cute flip flops (don't forget the pedi!)
will have men's heads turning, guaranteed.

Then, as I mentioned in Step 1 (and you'll hear more about in the
phenomenal success story below), straighten up your posture and
smile. You'll instantly look 5 pounds thinner and 5 years younger,
and you'll radiate the kind of confidence that men gravitate toward.

Summer love, here you come!

and finally...

*STEP 3: GET OUT THERE*

In the winter (and even the chillier days of spring), it can seem
easier to hibernate at home rather than brave the dating scene. I
totally get how a blind date can seem a whole lot less appealing
when you've got a warm pair of PJs, Netflix, and a pint of Cookie
Dough ice cream waiting at home.

But now it's warming up, your favorite TV shows are heading into
rerun season, and you're running out of excuses to stay inside.

Why not use that as motivation to catapult you off your couch and
into the world outside your apartment?

Do yourself a favor and ACCEPT EVERY SOCIAL INVITATION you are
offered.

Summer garden party? Count you in!

Cousin Kelly's Wedding (even though she's a total bridezilla)?
RSVP: Yes!

Why? Because these season-specific events and gatherings provide
out-of-the-ordinary opportunities to meet and mix with quality men
you might not otherwise encounter on the bar scene.

Plus, you'll have built-in conversation starters that you wouldn't
if you were meeting out on the 'scene.' For example:

"So, how do you know the host of this party?"

"Are you a friend of the groom or the bridezilla - oops, I mean
bride?"

"You're not REALLY going to take the last hot dog bun, are you?"
(she jokes flirtatiously to the cute man at the grill...)

During this sunny, carefree time of year, opportunities abound to
strike up light, fun conversations that are low-risk on your part
and have high potential to pave the way to a fun summer romance.

One final thought: Why not RESIST THE URGE TO FOCUS ON FINDING
A BOYFRIEND and instead decide that you are open to enjoying your
summer by CASUALLY DATING?

Now I'm not saying that you can't meet a fabulous man this weekend
and develop a serious love affair (with your new attitude, it could
very well happen!)...

But sometimes just TAKING THE PRESSURE OFF yourself by setting
shorter-term goals can actually make you happier with your
situation AND more attractive in general!

Guys have this uncanny ability to sense when a woman has an agenda
("I need to find a man and lock down a relationship before Cousin
Kelly's wedding so I have a 'plus one'...") and it can send them
running in the other direction.

On the flip side, they can also read your signals when your frame
of mind is, "It's summer...I want to get out and have a great time,
and if this fun flirtation progresses into something more, even
better!" This attitude is infinitely more attractive to a man.

So instead of thinking "I need a boyfriend this summer," I
challenge you to decide: "I'm going to get out there, meet some
great guys, and have a FUN, FLIRTY, FABULOUS SUMMER!"

Are You Freaking Out Over Wedding Season?

2011-06-07T12:42:00.000-07:00

Well it's officially summer, which means we've reached that
time of year again...

Every time you flip on the TV you're bombarded by another
"David's Bridal" commercial.

You can't drive anywhere on a Saturday without passing by a
park or church lawn that's crawling with a ginormous bridal
party involved in their post-wedding photo shoot.

And each time you open your mailbox, you find it's crammed with
"Save the Date!" reminders, "Come to Mindy's Bridal Shower!"
cards...

...and don't get you started on those wedding invitations
that weigh about four pounds and have a million little pieces
of paper in them ("Reserve your hotel room!"; "Directions to
the ceremony!"; "Tracy and Phil are registered at Bed, Bath
and Beyond!"; "RSVP to the post-wedding brunch!")

THEN out floats the most dreaded piece of paper of all:
the R.S.V.P. card:

(SFX: The theme song from the "Psycho" shower scene)

"You ... AND GUEST ___ will attend, ___will not attend."

ARGHHHHH!!!

It's like, "Oh THANKS, Tracy who I haven't heard from since college,
not only are YOU getting married and I'm not, but now I have to
stress out trying to figure out who my 'AND GUEST' will be?!?!?"

The only thing worse were if you had to be a BRIDESMAID!!!

(Can you tell I went through enough wedding seasons single to
commiserate?!?)

Well before you have a "wish-I-was-a-Bride"-zilla freak out,
your good friend Paige is here to come to your rescue!

We're gonna get through this together...

...we're going to do it with style and the fabulosity of a true
"Dating Without Drama" diva...

...and (GASP) we're even going to have FUN AND improve that
dating life of yours in the process.

(And who knows... it might just be Y-O-U sending out that four
pound invitation next summer! Wahooo!)

Are you ready to be SHOWERED with some Dating Dish tips?

Alright miss thing... let's DISH!

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PAIGE'S NO-DRAMA "WEDDING SEASON SURVIVAL GUIDE"

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SURVIVAL TIP #1: Remember that getting married is NOT the end-all,
be-all.

Let's face it... people can get a little wack-a-doo about weddings.
The good news is, you can simply choose NOT to get sucked into
the hype.

A few things to consider:

* You don't have to put up with pressure from family and/or
friends to get hitched. The next time Grandma Phyllis decides
to ask the whole family over dinner why you're still single,
politely reply, "Thanks for your concern but I am very happy
with my life! And when I meet the right man who's worthy enough
to share it with, I'll be sure to let you know."

in fact...

* You may have no desire to get married anytime soon (or again...
or EVER!) and that's ok! This is YOUR life - you can't live it
for anyone else.

* Some people make the mistake of believing that love is a race,
and a big wedding is the finish line. They convince themselves
that if they can just get a ring on their finger, their life
will magically become "perfect."

You and I both know that's not true.

So take each day as it comes, and be happy with your beautiful
life. When the time is right for you to get married (if you so
choose), you'll be better prepared than those misguided souls
who thought marriage would be a "quick fix" for their
inner discontent.

SURVIVAL TIP #2: Accept what IS, and let go of how you WISH it was.

Ok, it's understandable that your first reaction might be,
"I'm not getting married this summer. This stinks."

Especially when that fact is compounded with seemingly unfair
details, like:

* your (much) younger sister is getting married before you

* an acquaintance is throwing huge church wedding even though
you know for a fact that she's not even faithful to her
fiance

or

* your best friend is getting hitched to some guy she's
only dated for six weeks (and whom you totally dislike)

Well, whatever the situation, it is what it is. The sooner you
accept it, the sooner you'll get to a place where you can focus
on doing what will make YOU happy.

And don't forget, just because a person is getting married doesn't
necessarily mean they're happy. We never know what goes on inside
other people's relationships. You don't have the power to change
circumstances, but you DO have the power to make your own life as
fulfilling and exciting as possible!

If you notice feelings of jealousy and bitterness coming up,
try to let them go. Being happy for your friends (or even
your bridezilla cousin) just FEELS BETTER than holding onto
negative energy. And when you're in a positive place mentally
and emotionally, you are automatically more attractive to
others. (Hellooooo cute groomsman!)

SURVIVAL TIP #3: Don't "obligate" yourself into Wedding Overload

You may feel obligated to go to every shower, bachelorette
party, and wedding you get invited to.

And all those the plane tickets, hotels, dresses, gifts and
open-bar tabs should set you back roughly, oh - every penny
in your bank account.

Truth is, you're only human. There are only 14 weekends in
your summer. Before you R.S.V.P., ask yourself the following
questions:

* Is this a close friend or loved one?

* Have I seen and/or spoken to this person in the past year?

* Will I have fun?

* Can I afford to travel there?

* Will I be disappointed if I don't make it?

If you answer "yes" to the majority of these questions, then
reply "Yes." Otherwise, politely send your regrets (and a
thoughtful gift) and then let yourself off the hook!

SURVIVAL TIP #4: Don't force your "And Guest" situation

So you "AND GUEST" have been invited to a wedding. What to do?

* If you're in an established, serious relationship, this is a
no-brainer... go ahead and ask your man.

* If you're casually dating someone, proceed with caution.
Remember, guys can really read into the wedding thing ("If I go
with her, she'll start thinking about what it would be like for
US to get married"). Plus, other guests at the wedding may assume
you are a serious couple when you show up together, which could
put undue pressure on you both.

If the wedding is in town and you think it'll be a fun time, you
could bring it up by saying casually, "so I was invited to a
friend's wedding and it sounds like it's going to be a lot of fun.
You're welcome to come as my guest if you like - free dinner and
cocktails! - but no pressure. I can totally bring a friend."

Otherwise, I'd recommend giving him a "pass" on it and
proceeding as if you aren't dating anyone...

* If you're not dating anyone right now, go stag (if you've got
friends and/or family you can hang out with) or

* bring a good guy friend (preferably one who loves to dance!).

SURVIVAL TIP #5: Carpe Reception!

Instead of dreading wedding season, why not recognize it
for what it is: a great opportunity to meet men!

Think about it... weddings are fabulous social situations.

A reception is basically like the bar scene (low lighting,
music and dancing, drinks-a-flowing) except that cocktails
are free and nobody there is a complete stranger -- everyone
is one degree of separation since they know the bride
and/or groom, just like you do!

(In fact, that's an automatic conversation starter:
"So...how do YOU know the happy couple?")

The other unique thing about weddings: for that one day,
love is on everyone's minds.

Witnessing the sacred union of two people usually has a
profound effect on the single guests (men included).
Most are thinking, "I wonder when I'LL find love like that?"

Hmmm....maybe tonight!

(Note: by this I actually mean making a CONNECTION with
another guest that could lead to future dates - NOT hooking up
with the Best Man after 8 Kamikaze shots and catching
the bride's bouquet with your teeth.)

SURVIVAL TIP #6: Celebrate where YOU Are AND Believe That The
Love Life of Your Dreams Will Soon Be a Reality

Take a few moments to recognize how well you're doing
RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE.

You are beautiful (inside and out), special, smart, funny, and
kind. You have accomplished so much, whether it's career success,
developing a unique talent, being an amazing single mom, or
[insert your own wonderful accomplishment here]!

And what's more, you have made a COMMITMENT TO YOURSELF
to examine your life (which takes guts)
and do what it takes to achieve the fulfilling love life you
know you deserve.

Real love is a journey (which is why marriage can't be the
final destination). By building your confidence, reading
"Dating Without Drama"and applying its principles to your life,
you are closer than ever to finding it.

Who Pays The Bill on a Date?

2011-06-07T12:27:00.000-07:00

Should you let him pay? Should you pay? You should split it? How you handle this seemingly small issue can make a big impression on your date. Learn how to make sure that impression is a good one with my Do's and Don't of Check Etiquette':

"Paige,
I stepped out of the dating scene for about 5 years and I am
truly rusty on a lot of basic things. I have a question that
I really need help with:

When should we (or should we ever) as women offer to pay the
bill on a date?

Your website has helped me out with my thought process on
dating. But I haven't read anything on 'who's paying for this
date.' Can you please write about that?

Thanks,
Jahmalia"

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PAIGE'S DATING DISH TIP #3: "IT'S ALL ABOUT THE 'OFFER.'"

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"Hey Jahmalia,

Good question. This is one that I address in 'Dating Without
Drama' (Chapter 5) My advice is DO always offer to pay.
As I say in my book:

"My friend Ella has a little trick. Right around the time when
she and her date are finished sharing dessert, she excuses
herself to go to the bathroom. When she returns to the table,
9 times out of 10 the check will have already come and her date
will have paid.

'Omigosh, you didn't have to do that,' she'll say. 'Here...
let me give you some money,' she'll 'insist,' but of course
her date will refuse.

What Ella doesn't know is that most of her dates are well aware
of the bathroom trick and don't appreciate it.

In my experience, most men really do want to pay for the date
(and will probably insist on doing so) but find it so
refreshing when the woman doesn't EXPECT them to.

So when the check comes, offer to contribute. He'll think
you're really cool, and he probably won't let you give him a
dime."

Here are a few other quick
DO's and DON'Ts OF 'CHECK ETIQUETTE':

DO:
...DECIDE HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT WHO PAYS.
You may consider yourself a modern woman who's
proud to contribute to a date with her hard-earned
cash. Fine. You may be old-fashioned, believe in
chivalry, and want your date to pay. That's fine
too. Just know that men will also have an opinion
one way or the other. If this is an important issue
you feel strongly about, you'll want to seek out
men who are on the same page of your etiquette book.

...OFFER TO PAY ON EVERY DATE.
When the check comes, reach for your wallet in
a genuine, sincere way, not a fake gesture. (Make
sure you have enough money to cover your share).
If he says, "Thanks, but this is on me,"
say a warm "thank you. Dinner was amazing." If he
lets you go dutch, don't begrudge it. You offered!
Now you can evaluate how you feel about him based on
DO #1. If he didn't handle the delicate "dance of the
dining check" to your satisfaction, it's your choice
whether to go out with him again.

...PAY FOR AT LEAST ONE THING ON A DATE.
If you're out with Mr. Chivalry and he's just put his
platinum card down on an expensive meal, insist on
paying for the cab or an after-dinner nightcap. It's
not going to even the score, but it shows that you
care about being out with HIM and aren't just in it
for the meal ticket.

...DISCUSS WHEN TO GO DUTCH.
After seeing the same man for several weeks, it's
only polite to discuss whether you should start to
pay your own way (especially if you are in comparable
financial situations). There's no right or wrong
answer, as long as both of you feel comfortable with
the decision.

DON'T
...BUST YOUR BUDGET FOR HIS CHAMPAGNE TASTES.
If you'd like to go dutch but your date keeps
choosing places that are out of your budget, let him
know. Say, "Wow, I feel so spoiled with all the great
places you're taking me. I'd love to start chipping
in or go dutch with you at a place that's a little
more budget-friendly for me." He'll be impressed that
you offered and will either adjust plans accordingly
or be happy to pay for you.

Now get out there and enjoy your dates, Jahmalia!"

What Should I Wear On A First Date?

2011-06-07T12:22:00.000-07:00

Finding the right thing to wear on a first date is no easy task. Use these fail-proof tips to make sure you strike the right note to send the right message.

"Paige,

I am about to go on a first date with a guy this weekend.
My question is what do I wear? Any recommendations? I want to
look nice but don't want to go over the top either. We are
meeting at a local coffee shop.

Thanks,
Sheryl"

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PAIGE'S DATING DISH TIP #1:
"Do's and Don'ts of Dressing For a Date"

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My Response:

"Hi Sheryl,

Great question! If I could I would come look through your
closet and help you pick something out, but since I can't,
the best was I can help is to share my...

DO's and DON'Ts of DRESSING FOR A DATE:

DON'T:
...DRESS TOO TRENDY-TRENDY.
Sure, 4" platform shoes, skin-tight leggings, and
purses bigger than an overnight bag might be all the
rage, but that doesn't mean that YOU have to wear
them (especially all at one time). Most guys don't
know much about women's fashion (if yours does that
could be a RED FLAG! Helloooo!), so thigh-high
chinchilla fur boots will most likely terrify him
rather than wow him.

On a first date, your best bet is to go with
something CLASSIC (a great, form-fitting pair of
jeans in a dark wash; a cute, colorful top; and heels)
and accessorize with a fun but age-appropriate TREND
(a cool belt, bold earrings, etc). That way YOU'll
know you're stylin'... and HE'll just know you're hot!

...REVEAL TOO MUCH.
Dangerously low-cut shirts, barely-there mini
skirts- good if you're going to a costume party as
Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman," bad for a first date.
(Hint: if you have to suck in your breath and lay on
the ground to zip your pants, they're too tight!) As
counter-intuitive as it might sound, clothing that
screams "sex" is NOT sexy. Leave the pleather where
it belongs - in your closet in a box marked
"Halloween."

...TRY OUT A NEW LOOK.
I'm all for experimenting with fashion, but a first
date is NOT the right time to launch a new personal
image. You know what looks great on you and makes you
feel confident, so stick with it. Save the daring
duds for a night out with your girlfriends - they'll
tell you honestly whether you can pull it off!

...THROW SOMETHING TOGETHER LAST-MINUTE.
First dates are stressful enough as it is without
having to go tearing through your closet (or hamper!)
20 minutes before you're supposed to meet him. As
soon as you solidify your plans, choose an outfit
and try it on - accessories and all - so on the big
night you'll feel confident and calm (at least about
your clothes!).

DO:
...BE COMFORTABLE.
Now I don't mean that you should bust out your
sweatpants, but on the opposite end of the spectrum,
you don't want to wear an outfit that is so
uncomfortable you find yourself fidgeting with it
all night. Just say NO to itchy wool sweaters,
low-low-low-rise jeans, and any top that requires
a strapless bra (do those things ever stay up for
ANYONE???).

...CONSIDER THE LOCALE.
The sparkly black top you were planning on wearing
out for cocktails would look all wrong for a brunch
date. Similarly, you can't pull off a yellow sundress
at a dance club. Consider the location of your date
and choose your outfit accordingly. For Sheryl, a
colorful top with a pretty neckline and jeans should
be just the right level of dress for a coffee date.

...BE FEMININE (AND LET HIS IMAGINATION RUN WILD).
Men seem to be mesmerized by overt femininity.
Delicate or nice-feeling fabrics (silk, satin,
organza, cashmere) will catch his attention and give
him a reason to want to reach out and touch you.
Remember in the "don'ts" when we talked about
avoiding clothes that scream "sex?" Well here's the
RIGHT way to look sexy on a date: show a LITTLE skin,
but leave the rest up to his imagination. For example,
a blouse that is just a little bit see-through (don't
forget to wear a matching camisole underneath) will
drive him wild. Less is more - A boat-neck shirt that
shows off your collarbone is infinitely sexier than a
halter top with your boobs spilling out.

...SHOW YOUR PERSONAL STYLE.
Reveal a little something about who you are with what
you wear. Dress in your favorite color. Wear earrings
that were passed down to you from your grandmother or
a necklace that you made yourself. These little touches
might make for interesting conversation or, at the
very least, will serve as a reminder that there's
nothing more attractive than being yourself.

Speaking of which... There's one final "DO":

DO remember that who YOU are is more important than what
you're wearing.

As I confess in my eBook 'Dating Without Drama',
I used to freak out about what I wore on every date until I
realized that "my quest for the 'perfect' date outfit was
really a quest to be perfect myself.

It wasn't until meeting the man I truly belonged with -
the one who made me feel so attractive and confident in myself
(no matter what I was wearing) - that I decided to put the
focus on who I am rather than what I'm wearing. I learned that
I am fabulous...not just my outfit!"

I hope this helps, Sheryl! Good luck on your date!"

And while we're on the topic of fashion... here's another
dating dilemma I received from a reader:

How Do You Avoid The Dangers of Dating?

2011-06-07T12:16:00.000-07:00

When dating, you absolutely have to put your safety first,

always. That being said, it's not healthy to live in fear

either. How are you ever going to get to know someone special

if every guy who tries to put his arm around you gets a face

full of pepper spray and a kick in the groin?

Learn what to do with these DO's and DON'Ts OF SAFE DATING:

DO:
...TAKE YOUR OWN TRANSPORTATION.
The first time you go out with a new guy, don't let
him pick you up. Drive yourself, take a taxi, or
have a friend drop you off. That way you have the
freedom to make a getaway if the date is boring or
- worse - you have an uneasy feeling about the man
you're out with. There's plenty of time for him to
be a gentleman and pick you up once you're sure he's
trustworthy.

...KEEP YOUR CELL ON YOU AT ALL TIMES.
For obvious reasons, don't leave home without your
mobile phone. ('But it doesn't fit in my cute little
evening clutch' is NOT an acceptable excuse.) If, in
the unlikely event you've gotten yourself into a
dangerous situation, you need to be able to call for
help.

...MEET IN A PUBLIC PLACE.
Be wary if a guy wants to cook you a romantic dinner
at his house on the first date. Until you get a sense
of what he's all about, meet him in a public place in
a central location with lots of other people around.
If he's pressuring you to meet at his place or yours,
politely decline and do not see him again.

...HAVE A 'CHECK IN' FRIEND.
Let a friend or family member know who you're going
out with, where, and when. Make a plan to check in
with her after your date (or instruct her to call you
at a certain time if she hasn't heard from you).

...STAY SOBER.
Until you feel you can trust a new guy (at least on
a first date), lay off the liquor. You might say,
"but I can handle a glass of wine." Fine - it's your
call and you know your own limit. The important thing
is that you never allow your judgment to become
impaired. It's essential that you remain in control
of yourself, your decisions and your actions.

DON'T
...TAKE A DRINK FROM HIM DIRECTLY.
If your date wants to buy you a drink, don't let him
go to the bar on his own and bring it back to you.
Make sure you watch the bartender pour it (and hand
it to you directly) or watch the waitress bring it
to your table. This will ensure that it isn't spiked
with something that could impair you.

...LEAVE YOUR DRINK UNATTENDED.
For the same reasons I mentioned in the last "DON'T,"
don't get up to the bathroom and leave him alone with
your drink.

...GO HOME WITH HIM OR LET HIM COME HOME WITH YOU.
We've all had that phenomenal first date where
everything seems to click and we just don't want it
to end. Don't be so blinded by euphoria (or hormones!)
that you make a risky decision to go somewhere private
with, let's face it, a complete stranger. Don't worry,
there will be plenty of time for that in the future.
And if this guy really likes you for you, he'll wait
for the chance to get you alone. In the meantime you
have the opportunity to get to know him and discover
whether he's WORTHY!

...IGNORE A BAD FEELING.
Often, when you hear stories of women who were
attacked or assaulted, they say that before the
incident, "I had this funny feeling that something
wasn't right." And they wish that they had listened
to that feeling. Well if you have one, don't ignore
it. Women's intuition is a POWERFUL thing, so if
there's a feeling in your gut that this man's not to
be trusted, don't stick around to let him prove you
right. Get away and get somewhere safe ASAP.
BUT...

DON'T let fear rule your heart.

My final advice: err on the side of caution, stay vigilant, and trust
your gut, but be open to the fact that there are a lot of
really wonderful men out there who are waiting for someone
amazing like you to TREASURE. When a guy like this earns your
trust over time, you'll know it's right.

Now go find him!

Funny "Worst First Date" Stories

2011-06-07T12:15:00.000-07:00

When I announced the Dating Without Drama
WORST FIRST DATE CONTEST in my Dating Dish a while back,
I was looking forward to hearing from a few readers with
some amusing stories of dates gone awry...

I thought that a handful of people might want to share a
funny little anecdote about a date with strange eating
habits or bad taste in clothing.

I had NO IDEA what I was in for.

Mere moments after the newsletter went out, entries came
pouring in. We're talking hundreds. And they are nothing
short of HILARIOUS.

In fact, I had originally said I would choose 3 winners,
but there were so many fantastic stories, I had to pick 4!

First of all, my sympathy goes out to all of the women who
have had to endure such excruciatingly awkward, bizarre,
and downright painful first date experiences.

But I really have to commend you for having the STRENGTH
to get through them...

The CONFIDENCE to know that you can do WAY better...

... and the SENSE OF HUMOR to be able to look back,
laugh, and share the ordeal with your fellow daters!

I, for one, had a great time reading them and I
know that the Dating Divas reading today's DISH
will too!

So congratulations to:

Gayle W. of Costa Mesa, CA

Betsy A. of Spring Lake, NJ

Laura P. of Alberta, Canada and

Michelle A. of Salisbury, Maryland

For your brilliant entries, you win a free copy of
my ebook "Dating Without Drama" plus the three fabulous
bonuses that come with it!

And now, for YOUR reading pleasure, here they are ...
the BEST "Worst First Date" stories!

WORST FIRST DATE #1: "MR. INAPPROPRIATE"

"The night began with my date slowing down only enough for
me to jump into to his car. Without hesitation he
announces, 'Hey, I didn't have time to shower, so I bought
this,' proceeding to spray air-freshener behind my seat
and inevitably all over me. (Lovely, New-Car scent, but
I DID shower.)

He takes me to a local spot for some beer and tacos.
Almost immediately he begins to burp- CONTINUOUSLY! I'm
embarrassed because other costumers are starting to notice.
After a rather large release he announces, 'Oh, man. Beer
gives me gas.'

Apparently that is not all it does; I endured stories of
the previous night where his primary objective was to get
his boss's daughter drunk and hit on her, how stupid cops
are, how he's 'SO in [my pants]' (no way!), insulting
questions of 'Am I pregnant?' (If I was, he'd 'take Shorty
home STAT') AND, "Am I infertile?!" (sooo not
appropriate!)

Insanely, the date continued, where he whisked us off to
a not-so-romantic evening viewing of 'Star Wars.' He pouted
when we got crappy seats and yelled multiple times at the
screen during the movie. I couldn't sink lower in my chair
if I tried!

I practically ran from the car as he yelled out the sun
roof, 'Call me sometime!'

Lesson: The man in the elevator at the gynecologist's
office IS creepy! STAY HOME!"

-Gayle W.
Costa Mesa, CA

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

WORST FIRST DATE #2: "FATHER FIGURE"

"I met the guy on Match and his profile said he was 45
(I was 33). Since his picture was OK and looked age
appropriate, I agreed to meet him in a bar in NYC for
a drink.

I arrived and scanned the bar for my date. I had noticed
this weird looking guy with a Russian fur hat sitting by
the door, but he was old so it couldn't be him.

Sure enough, after a minute I hear my name being called
and I turn around and it is the fur hat guy.

Trapped!

Since my identity was blown, I went over to meet this guy -
I was hoping that my date had sent his father to tell me
that he wasn't coming. Stunned, I agreed to sit and have
a drink, where I learned that the guy was 75!!!

Responding to my incredulous question of why he had lied
about his age he responded 'Some people can't handle the
whole truth!' Turns out the picture was of his son!

Although I wanted to bolt, I heard him out for about 15
minutes. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore and told him
that I had stayed that long because 'I was raised to
respect my elders.'"

-Betsy A.
Spring Lake, NJ

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

WORST FIRST DATE #3: "A 'PAINFUL' EXPERIENCE"

"My worst first date was also my first blind date. We
met for a coffee after being set up through a mutual
friend. At first glance he was attractive, but I
really wanted to find out who this person was.

He immediately started into a recent break-up with a
longtime girlfriend, followed by a description of how he
was coping with his heartbreak. This included the
recent addition of two very large tattoos on his head,
underneath his hairline. Now this is years before tats
were 'trendy' and were still associated with bikers
and convicts, and I'm no prude, but his reasoning for
the tats was most concerning.

He explained that he had the tats done for one clear
reason; the physical pain of having them applied to
his scalp in relation to the emotional pain he felt
over the ex-girlfriend, 'to really feel the pain of
it all' he said. He then told me about his piercings,
which again at the time were considered to be pretty
strange based on their location.

The piercings were located on his 'member,' both of
which were applied for similar reasons as the tats.

Long before the second confession, I questioned
the friendship I had with the girl who set us up,
wondering if she knew me at all. He was a nice enough
guy, but terribly troubled, with a past I wanted no
involvement in. I never spoke to him again and I still
wonder to this day what would have possessed her to
set us up."

-Laura P.
Alberta, Canada

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

WORST FIRST DATE #4 - "A 'Sobering' Night Out"

"I agreed to go out with a guy I meet at a local bar
who was pretty drunk when we met but, come on, most
people you meet in bars are drunk right?

As I pull in the parking lot of the movies he was
walking to his vehicle. When he met me back at the
door I asked him where he had been and he said,
'I was having a beer in my truck.'

Jokingly, I asked if he drank everywhere he went
and he said, 'Of course, I keep a 12 pack in a cooler
between my seats at all times.'

I then went on to tell him he had a drinking problem
jokingly because I thought we were joking. He then
made the comment, 'I don't think I have a problem but
I do start classes Wednesday since I've gotten 4
D.W.I.s this year.'

As if this wasn't bad enough when he bought the movie
tickets they asked him to donate $1 to the Children's
Cancer Fund. He ignorantly said no and we went to
the concession stand. They asked him again and in
front of many children and families he abruptly yells,
'What the hell is up with all these sick kids?!'
At that moment I realized the guy was toasted.

We went into the movie and he got up every 5 minutes to
pee and drink another beer. I was so mortified. After
the movie he walked me to my car and then went on to ask
me for money to buy more beer since he was so kind to
pay for the movie."

-Michelle A.
Salisbury, Maryland

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Whew! Those were some DISASTROUS dates!

But as as frustrating as spectacularly sucky dates
can be, don't forget that there are still 2
POSITIVE outcomes:

1 - They make great stories to tell (and re-tell!) to
your girlfriends.

2 - At least there is no ambiguity at the end of the
date. When it's THAT bad, you know beyond a shadow
of a doubt that you NEVER, EVER want to see this
man again.

If you think about it, it's almost tougher to know
whether you should keep agreeing to future dates with
a guy if you're feeling sort of wishy-washy about him.

Of course, when you meet a new man, there's nothing wrong
with taking your time to go on a few dates until you
feel you can fairly judge what kind of person he is.

However, it's important to have a clear idea of what you're
looking for - and what you're NOT looking for - so that
if you discover this guy has "Deal Breaker" qualities
you can cut your losses and move on without wasting any
more of your precious time!

Do's and Don'ts of Online Dating

2011-06-07T11:50:00.000-07:00

There was a time when online dating was a hush-hush affair.

If you did it, you only told your closest friends about it.
And if you DID meet someone special online, the two of you
might have concocted a story about how you met ("He
accidentally put HIS milk in MY shopping cart at the grocery
store! Ha, ha, ha!")

Nowadays, though, online dating is about as common and
accepted as everyday e-mail. Millions of singles are finding
their mates online, and many of them with happy endings.

Of course, there are those NOT-SO-HAPPY endings-the e-mail
that goes unanswered, the men who seem to vanish into thin
air after what seems like a strong online connection...in
short, the kind of drama you might expect in a situation
where, up until the time when the two of you actually meet,
both parties have only a photo and a profile to stare at.

If you're in the throes of online dating and finding yourself
frustrated with the process - or even if you're just toying
with the idea of dating online - then today's DISH is
an absolute must-read.

Today we'll be taking a look at the TOP 10 DO'S AND DON'TS
OF ONLINE DATING...

...And how they can help you avoid some of the cyber-drama
that frequently goes hand in hand with the whole process.

While I can't guarantee you'll find love in the virtual world
(rather than the real world!), I can guarantee that if you
put my advice into practice, you'll get much better results
out of your online dating experience.

And who knows? You may just find THE ONE.

************************************************************

DRAMA OF THE WEEK: "How Do I Spark a Man's Interest Online?"

************************************************************

Here's an email I received from a reader:

"Dear Paige,

"I'm divorced and back on the dating scene again. My question
is, with online dating, how do you pique a guy's interest
without coming on too strong? I don't post my photo, as I
prefer to be the one to initiate contact and THEN show him
my photo."

Thanks for your help,
Joy"

************************************************************

PAIGE'S DATING DISH TIP: "Put your best YOU forward online
and attract the right guys TODAY!"

************************************************************

My Response:

"Congratulations on getting back into dating, Joy!

Let me focus on one aspect of your question first: coming
on too strong.

In my book "Dating Without Drama," I discuss the idea that
men like to be the PURSUERS. While it can feel oh so very
caveman to the modern woman, men typically do not respond
well when put in a position where they feel they don't have
to work to get what they want.

I point this out here because in the online space, it's way
too easy to come on strong, even when you don't mean to.

Think about it. When you're face-to-face with a guy, you can
give him subtle cues to let him know you're interested. You
can smile and flirt; you can flip your hair or comment on his
nice gym bag. He'll hopefully pick up on your cues and
approach you.

And he'll still feel like HE'S the one doing the pursuing.

When you're online, though, that face-to-face communication
is taken away-and you're left with only written words, and
maybe a picture, to convey how wonderful and beautiful you
are, inside and out.

To make things even more challenging, those words can't give
even the SLIGHTEST hint of desperation, neediness or
clinginess (oh, and by the way, don't forget to check your
grammar and punctuation)...or you risk scaring a guy away
before you've even had the chance for a first date.

All of this means that online dating-while wonderful in many
ways-presents a unique set of challenges to women like you.
You know what you want and you want to go after it. You don't
want to wait for a guy to come to you!

But BEWARE.

If you're not careful, you'll end up doing the very thing
you don't want to do: coming on too strong.

So let's dig in here with some of the TOP 10 DO'S AND DON'T
OF ONLINE DATING... starting with your profile.

#10: DO take the time to create a great profile.
If you need help, most of the major dating sites offer
assistance with putting the best "you" forward with an
attention-grabbing headline, a great photo and a stellar
profile to match.

Some basic points to keep in mind: Keep your profile positive
and upbeat, focusing on your interests, hobbies, values, and
desirable qualities. Do NOT turn it into a peek at the
skeletons in your closet, a tirade about your terrible
ex-boyfriends or an opportunity to list the bridesmaids in
your future wedding with Mr. Right.

Men (the good ones!) want to know that you're emotionally
stable and that you possibly share some common interests
and hobbies.

As for a photo, I know you said you don't have one posted
and prefer to find and contact matches yourself. However,
keep in mind that you may be eliminating potential matches
because a) they can't see what you look like and want to be
able to put a face with the profile, and b) they want to be
the one to contact you first.

If you do decide to post a photo (which I STRONGLY recommend),
it should simply express the real you-maybe doing something
you enjoy, such as riding horses or relaxing at the beach.
Some people even like to go to a professional photographer
to have one nice photo to present online. But if you do, be
sure to also include a candid photo.

That said, let's get to the next "DO":

#9: DO break the "Dating Without Drama" rules...A LITTLE.
By putting his profile on a dating website, a guy is letting
the world know that he's single and available. He hopefully
expects that women will contact him if they're interested.

Now, as you know, I am not in favor of giving a guy your
number without being asked or asking a man out on a date first.
As I mentioned earlier, this takes them out of the driver's
seat-and as we all know, men get very uncomfortable if they're
not the ones driving the car.

However, in the case of online dating, I believe it's OK to
initiate contact with a guy if you see some real potential
for a match. BUT - and this is crucial: Keep that first e-mail
light and to the point. Make it about him by mentioning
something specific about his profile that caught your eye,
then bring yourself into it, but only briefly.

For instance, you might try something like: "I notice you
like Six Feet Under. I once spent an entire Saturday watching
season 2! I would enjoy getting to know you some more. Drop
me a line if you're interested."

And that's all. You don't send any follow-up e-mails "just
to check" if he got your first one; you don't obsessively
check your e-mail in search of his reply. You simply send
your message, and then go on with your fabulous, busy life
as usual.

If a guy likes your profile, he'll probably contact you, so
once you've sent that initial message, the SAME ORIGINAL
DATING WITHOUT DRAMA rules apply.

Let him do the initiating from that point forward, and
you'll greatly improve your odds of getting to that first
date - and hopefully beyond, if you two hit it off.

Of course, there's always the chance that a guy will choose
not to reply to your e-mail simply because he wants to be
the one to initiate contact. But really, you have nothing to
lose at the point of initial contact, much like you have
nothing to lose by flirting with a guy at the bookstore.

#8: DO resist the urge to tell your life story by e-mail.
Once you've made contact with a guy, it's tempting to get
ahead of yourself and reveal too much too soon. If you've
liked what a guy had to say in his profile and have seemed
to hit it off up to this point, you'll naturally want to tell
him more about you and learn more about him, too.

Two words: SLOW DOWN.

Let's say he writes to you and says something like, "So what
do you like to do in your free time?"

Here's your chance to show him what a fun, interesting and
FULL life you have, even without a man at your side. It's
the perfect opportunity to tell him all about your weekend
bike rides at the beach, your trip to Hawaii last summer
and your upcoming plans to take a hip-hop dance class.

Oh, and by the way, if you don't have a busy, full life
without a man, stop reading this now-and start living your
life just for YOU!

(For tips on how "dating yourself first" can drastically
improve your prospects for real and lasting love, check out
Chapter 2 of "Dating Without Drama")

What you don't want to do in those first few e-mails is tell
him how your last boyfriend broke your heart, you spent last
Saturday night eating ice cream out of a carton, and you just
can't wait to start planning your wedding because then you
won't have to go through this whole dating thing anymore.

Now, I'm not saying it's not OK to do those things. If your
last boyfriend broke your heart, you have every right to
each ice cream out of a carton and look forward to the day
when you meet the man who WON'T break your heart.

But if you reveal these details about yourself too soon,
you'll come off as sounding needy and clingy-and chances are,
you'll never hear from the guy again.

Keep your first communications light, eliciting just the
right amount of intrigue-and before long, he'll be asking
for your number and setting up that first date.

#7: DO be choosy about the dating sites you use. While
dating sites abound, it doesn't mean you should use all of them.

Of course there's Match, Yahoo! Personals, AOL Personals,
and MSN Dating and Personals. The obvious appeal of these is
that they have millions of members and have been around pretty
much since the advent of online dating.

However, I strongly recommend using sites that focus on
compatibility matching and shared interests and values. More
targeted sites like these tend to attract members seeking
serious relationships and marriage.

I recommend the following sites as a starting point:

GreatBoyfriends - personal recommendations of great guys
by friends, family and even exes

eHarmony - Christian-based, marriage-oriented matchmaking

Chemistry - Match's sister site and answer to eHarmony

PerfectMatch - compatibility-based matchmaking

Jdate - matchmaking for Jewish singles

ChristianCafe - Matching for Christian singles

True - compatibility-based matchmaking

#6: DO put safety first. No matter how much you like and
trust a guy online, you just don't know him until you meet
in person. Just to be sure you know how to protect yourself,
I've provided some guidelines on dating safety. In fact,
this is a "DO'S AND DON'TS" list all on its own.

DO take your own transportation. Don't let a guy pick you up
for a first date. Drive yourself, take a taxi or have a
friend drop you off. That way you have the freedom to get
away if the date is boring or - worse - you have an uneasy
feeling about him.

In case of emergency, DO keep your cell phone on you at all
times. "But it doesn't fit in my cute little evening clutch"
is not a valid excuse.

DO meet in a public place. No romantic dinners at his place
just yet. Until you get a sense of what he's all about, meet
in a public place with lots of people around. If he pressures
you otherwise, politely decline and do not see him again.

DO have a "check in" friend. Let a friend or family member
know your whereabouts. Plan to check in with her or have her
call you after your date.

DO stay sober. Lay off the liquor, ladies, at least within
your limit. Don't allow your judgment to be impaired at any time.

DON'T take a drink from him directly. Watch the bartender
make it, and have him or her hand it to you instead (or a
waiter or waitress). Likewise, DON'T leave your drink
unattended. If you need to use the restroom, finish your
drink first. If there's a drink waiting for you when you
return, don't drink it. You can always order your own drink
and get it yourself (preferably nonalcoholic if you've
already had one!).

DON'T go home with him or let him come home with you. Let's
face it, he's a complete stranger on that first date. There
will be plenty of time for private time in the future if you
two hit it off-and he'll be happy to wait if he's truly into you.

DON'T ignore a bad feeling. Listen to that little voice inside
that says "Something just isn't right." Women's intuition is
a powerful thing, so if you have a gut feeling, get somewhere
safe ASAP.

But...

#5: DON'T let fear rule your heart.
Always put safety first in dating, but be open to the fact
that there are lots of good guys out there who are waiting
for someone amazing like you to TREASURE.

And now for some more DON'TS...

#4: DON'T take it personally. There will be times when it
just doesn't work out with a particular guy, and that's OK.
It just means you have more room in your life for the ones
with whom you have real potential.

One of the pluses of online dating sites can also be one
of its drawbacks: A LOT of choices.

As such, there will be those men who either pass up the
chance to meet with you or vanish quickly after the first
date, and you might not be able to come up with a good reason
for the disappearing act. Sometimes, even if you do everything
right, some men will LOOK for a reason to move on to someone else.

The good news is, these are not the kind of men you want to
date, much less be in a relationship with! So if a guy brushes
you aside even when you feel you've followed all my "do's" of
online dating, DON'T DESPAIR.

Actually, be thankful!

You are far too precious to waste your time on anyone who
would make a hasty judgment about you without even knowing
you! Cut your losses, and move on to someone who takes the
time to get to know the real you.

Which brings me to my next point...

#3: DON'T create a dating casualty before you've given a guy
a chance. You might find yourself just as overwhelmed with
the choices of men online, and there may be times when you're
tempted to brush a guy aside because you don't like the old
sneakers he's wearing or the way his hair is parted in his photo.

Now, I'm not saying to settle for anything less than exactly
what you want. If you don't have the right chemistry with a
guy or you're sensing any of the red flags I mention in
Chapter 15 of "Dating Without Drama," then by all means, MOVE ON.
Too many women force themselves to go on date after date with
a guy they're not attracted to simply because they think they
should like the guy since he's so nice.

But if you feel you have potential with a given man, be open
to the possibilities. Keep the communication going, and if
and when he asks for that first date, accept it cheerfully.
Then, after that first date, you can always reassess and decide
if you want to pursue a second date...or cut him loose.

But please, no matter what you do...

#2: DON'T settle on the first guy you go out with. Even if
you like a guy and hit it off after the first date, continue
to date other men until you are in a committed relationship
with a man who truly meets all your needs.

Otherwise, you risk putting all your eggs in one basket (so
to speak) with a guy who may or may not be the one for you...
and maybe even missing the opportunity to meet the man who IS the one.

#1: DON'T let it take over your life. Even as you're pursuing
dates online, be sure to keep your life just as busy and full
as you did before you ever posted a profile.

Whatever you do, do not sit in front of your computer, combing
through potential matches day after day.

The more self-confident and relaxed you are about the process,
the greater your chances of attracting the RIGHT MEN.

And, conversely, the more desperate you are, the greater your
chances of either attracting the wrong men, or scaring away
the good ones.

Welcome the contact from potential matches, but don't get so
set on finding the right man that you forget about living
your own life to its fullest.

And remember, just because you've signed up and paid for a
membership to an online dating site, that doesn't mean you
can't meet a guy ANYWHERE.

Keep yourself open to all possibilities, because you never
know when and where you may meet a man. When you look at it
that way, dating becomes much more enjoyable and exciting -
because you have a fabulous future guy to look forward to!

In short, men are attracted to women who exude self-confidence.
Show the world and all the guys you meet that you have a full
life with many interests and passions, and that you're not
trying to meet a man to fill a void in your life. On the
contrary, you're looking for someone with whom you can share
your wonderful life-and who will share his with you.

Best of luck to you Joy! Please keep me posted."

Dating Deal Breakers

2011-06-07T11:47:00.000-07:00

So what's a "DEAL BREAKER?"

A non-negotiable.

A "thanks, but no-thanks."

A deeply ingrained mindset, quality, attitude, belief or
issue a man has that simply does not fit with your life.

I'm NOT talking about something like, "he makes a funny
noise when he chews," which can easily be addressed and
changed, but a characteristic that, once revealed, makes
you realize that there is NO WAY you can have a future
with this guy.

Now every woman must have her own PERSONAL set of
DEAL BREAKERS, but to give you a head start, here are
some that I've found to be pretty universal:

* * * * * * DATING DEAL BREAKERS * * * * * *

* He has a criminal record

* He's a major mama's boy

* He has a history of - or has shown a tendency toward -
ANY kind of abuse (mental, emotional, physical)

* He's got anger issues (with or without the abuse)

* He shows a complete lack of manners

* He's terminally immature

* He's emotionally unavailable

* You don't feel an ounce of chemistry with him

* You're hopelessly incompatible with one another
(you want kids someday, he never does; you want to
marry a Jew, he's Catholic, etc...)

* He cheats on you

* He's married

Do yourself a favor and come up with your own list of
DEAL BREAKERS today, so they're always in the back of
your mind. It will allow you to weed out the undesirables
in the dating pool and leave you with only the most
qualified candidates!

This will help you truly become a SELECTIVE DATER,
the importance of which I discuss in "Dating Without
Drama."

*******************************************************

HOW BEING A SELECTIVE DATER CAN WORK TO YOUR ADVANTAGE

*******************************************************

Here's an excerpt from "Dating Without Drama,"
(Chapter 7, pg. 82 "Is He 'Boyfriend Material?'":

"Being a selective dater can really work to your advantage.
When you approach a date knowing that you're a catch and
anyone would be lucky to have you, men respond to that
confidence. They can sense that you're not just waiting
around hoping that THEY'LL choose YOU. You're out there,
bravely facing the dating world, open to new people and
experiences and you're not going to settle for just anyone.
They know that if they want the chance to be with you,
they'll have to work for it.

If your attitude is, 'I'm interested, but you're going to
have to convince me that you'd make a good boyfriend,'
you don't ever have to feel that sense of desperation.
You recognize that a relationship takes two people, and
just as you're happy to show him the amazing qualities
you have to offer, you expect him to do the same.

This feeling of equality will give you confidence.

You're not just waiting for a man to decide whether or
not to reject you... you have just as much power to
reject him if he's not what you're looking for.

Now I'm not saying that you should quiz a man on his
stock portfolio, projected earnings, virility, cholesterol
level, etc. I simply mean that it's up to the man to
demonstrate his kindness, consideration, intelligence,
sense of humor, goals for the future, and whatever else
you're looking for in a potential mate."

8 Signs He's Crossed the Line With a Female Friend

2011-06-07T11:24:00.000-07:00

Let's play a game. I'm going to tell you a little story and
you guess what's wrong with this picture:

Your boyfriend has just had the worst day ever at work. He
lost an important client, his boss yelled at him, and he
learned that the bonus check he was counting on won't be
coming through.

Dejected, he decides that the only way he's going to shakes
off how crappy he feels is by spending a little time with
his special woman.

So he heads to the romantic little wine bar around the
corner from his apartment.

"Tell me all about your day..." his companion coos softly.

"It was awful. I'm just glad I have you confide in," your
boyfriend replies.

So what's wrong with this picture?

Your boyfriend's "special woman" isn't you... it's his
best friend.

OUCH.

Today's DISH is all about how to deal when you're man is best
friends with a woman - or is friendly with multiple women -
and what you can (and should) do about it.

If you've ever found yourself wondering whether those pangs
of jealousy or insecurity you feel (toward the "other woman"
he claims is harmless) are normal or warranted, then this
DISH is for you.

And if you've never experienced this situation, do yourself
a favor and read on anyway...

...because you never know if it will happen in your future -
or if an "emotional infidelity" is actually occurring right
under your nose without you knowing about it.

There are 2 juicy Dramas of the Week that deal with this
very topic... so let's get DISHING!

****************************************************************

DRAMA OF THE WEEK #1: "All of His Friends Are Women!"

****************************************************************

Here's a recent email from a reader:

"Paige -
I love your book!
Here's my dilemma: I have been dating a guy for 9 months
now and he is great. Only problem is all his friends seem to
be women.

I got quite upset about one woman who he meets 2 or 3 times
a week while the husband is away all week on business. He
says she is just a friend and is not at all attracted to her,
but they meet up at least twice a week for a coffee, or they
go out drinking together (in the company of others) and he
visits her after work sometimes. I feel like I am in
competition with her.

And today he told me that he invited another one of his female
group to his house and they shared a bottle of wine. She is
going through a breakup with her husband. He says he is not
attracted to her, but I don't know whether the feeling is mutual.
Am I being possessive? Or should I walk away? I am so tired of
trying to be rational about all this. Would love your opinion.

Arielle
London, UK"

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Before we get into my Dating Dish Tip, let's take a look at DRAMA
OF THE WEEK #2 for another scenario you might relate to.

My response below will apply to both questions...

********************************************************************

DRAMA OF THE WEEK #2: "My Boyfriend's Too Chummy With His Co-Worker"

********************************************************************

Here's another reader email on the topic:

"Hi Paige,
My boyfriend is really friendly with a female co-worker and it's
driving me crazy. They eat lunch together every day (just the two
of them), they IM each other all day long even though they work a
few cubicles away, and they're always going out for happy hour
drinks after work. I'm never invited.

He told me she wasn't attractive, but when I met her (by accident,
we bumped into her on the street) I was floored by how pretty she
is. I'm even more freaked out by how stand-offish she was to me.
It seemed like she went out of her way to reference all of their
inside jokes in front of me so I'd feel left out.

My boyfriend says that there's never been any physical contact
whatsoever - she's just a 'buddy' and that he's in love with me.
She's engaged to another guy and my boyfriend claims that the
fiancé is fine with the situation.

Am I being unreasonable or is this inappropriate?

Green with jealousy,
Katrina
Needham, MA"

********************************************************************

PAIGE'S DATING DISH TIP: "To Save Your Relationship, You Need to
Set Boundaries"

********************************************************************

My response:

To Arielle, Katrina, and anyone else who may be experiencing a
similar dilemma...

First things first: NO... you are NOT being unreasonable or overly
possessive. Your reaction - confusion, hurt, feeling insecure or
threatened - is absolutely normal under the circumstances. If the
relationship your boyfriend has with his girl "friend" or work
"buddy," WASN'T raising a red flag for you, THAT would be abnormal!

Of course trust is an essential component to any successful
relationship. I'm not trying to stir up suspicion or encourage
jealous or possessive behavior. Your boyfriend may very well love
you and not feel one iota of attraction toward his "friend," as he
claims. However, no matter what his (or his "buddy's") motives are,
the truth is that the behavior is inappropriate.

Even if it's true that there has been no physical contact, the
level of EMOTIONAL intimacy that's present in their so-called
friendship is disrespectful to you.

The good news is that your guy probably never had any intention to
cheat and therefore didn't premeditate this situation. The intimacy
most likely developed slowly, over time, without him realizing what
was happening.

In Arielle's case, her boyfriend may just be an outgoing, friendly
guy who enjoys friendships with women. He may be more sensitive
than most guys and able to communicate freely, which may be why he
prefers to hang with girl FRIENDS. OR there could be more to it. He
could be insecure about himself and boosts his ego by keeping a
harem of girl "friends" around to make himself feel desirable, in
demand, and with plenty of options should his relationship with
Arielle go sour.

For the sake of argument, let's say his motives ARE totally pure
(he just wants to be there for his friends, he enjoys their
company), his actions are inappropriate and are likely laying the
groundwork for a possible future infidelity.

One problem is that he is spending lots of his free time with these
women. (Arielle mentioned that he sees at least two women 2 times a
week... that doesn't leave much time left over for Arielle!)

The more dangerous problem is that he's become the confidante of
these women - keeping one company while her husband is away, helping
the other one through the breakup of her marriage. If these women
are opening up to him about intimate details of their lives, I have
no doubt that he's sharing his personal thoughts and feelings with
them... thoughts and feelings that should be reserved for Arielle.

In Katrina's case, the office environment can be tricky...

These days, we're not just working 9 to 5 ... 10 hour workdays
(and longer) are becoming the norm for many people in the corporate
world. When you spend so much time in one place, you're bound to
develop a social life within the constraints of your work
environment.

When those social ties are appropriate (same-sex friendships or
acquaintance-level, platonic opposite-sex friendships) it's a
perfectly healthy, acceptable, and even vital way to get through
the workday.

However, problems can occur when opposite-sex friendships develop
without proper boundaries in place. It may start with personal
jokes - silly banter or office pranks that they share to cut
through the boredom of a workday (think Jim and Pam from TV's
"The Office"). This is dangerously close to flirting.

Then they continue to slide down the slippery slope of office
intimacy... for example Katrina's boyfriend may start sharing news
of his career successes and failures with his work 'buddy' first
(or exclusively), which creates a bond with her that should be
reserved for his partner in life, Katrina. From there, it becomes
easy to start sharing tidbits about his personal life "Katrina's a
lousy cook, but she tries," and finally revealing extremely
intimate details about your relationship, "We got in a huge fight
last night and she made me sleep on the couch." This is very
dangerous, as it is a violation of the trust and closeness a
boyfriend and girlfriend share and opens the door to a possible
infidelity.

If this is happening with your boyfriend, you are right not to take
this lightly. In fact, a recent study shows that 62% of all affairs
start in the workplace!

So whether it's with a new or old "friend," a co-worker, or any
woman in your man's life... how can you tell whether a friendship
is fine or is crossing the line?

Ask yourself the following questions:

Is he interacting with her on a regular basis by CHOICE (e.g they work on different floors but routinely meet in the cafeteria for lunch) rather than necessity (e.g. they're in the same department at work)?
Is he overly secretive about her, or does he talk about her constantly and emphatically (e.g. "Cassie's so funny!" "Cassie's so easy to talk to ...")?
When they spend time together, do they exclude others (friends, significant others, co-workers) so they can "catch-up" one on one?
Are you excluded or made to feel unwelcome when they spend time together?
Do you get the sense that he's trying to keep you and his "friend" from meeting?
If you have met her, does she act awkward, uncomfortable, rude or competitive?
Does he confide in her about personal matters? Does she know details about your relationship?
Does he compare you to her (e.g. "Stop nagging me! Why can't you be laid-back like Cassie?")?

If you answered "Yes" to one or more of these questions, you may
have reason to be alarmed.

So what can you DO about this emotional infidelity?

Here's an action plan to help put a stop to it before things go any
further:

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

PAIGE'S SIX-STEP EMOTIONAL INFIDELITY ACTION PLAN:

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

1. BEGIN BY GIVING HIM THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT.

Some men truly don't recognize that their friendships with women
cross over into inappropriateness.

2. EXPLAIN YOUR FEELINGS.

Try saying something like, "I love the relationship that we have
and I trust YOU, but I am uncomfortable with how close you are
to Cassie."

3. CLARIFY THAT IT'S NOT THE MOTIVE, IT'S THE BEHAVIOR.

Your boyfriend may truly see nothing wrong with his special
friendship, especially if he truly has no romantic feelings
toward her. Explain calmly that his motives behind the
friendship are not in question, but that his behavior (spending
one-on-one time with her, confiding in one another, not
integrating you into the friendship) is inappropriate for
someone in a committed relationship and it needs to change.

4. SET SPECIFIC BOUNDARIES.

Let your boyfriend know, in no uncertain terms, what you are and
are not comfortable with. For example, "I'd prefer that you and
Cassie not spend time alone, but I'd be happy to go out as a
group."

5. GET PROACTIVE ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

Show your boyfriend that he doesn't need to look to another
woman to get his emotional needs met. You can do this by
demonstrating more of an interest in his life. For example,
instead of just saying, "Hi honey, how was your day," try
getting more specific, "So...tell me about the big client pitch
today!"

6. RESPECT YOURSELF ENOUGH TO FOLLOW THROUGH IF HE DOESN'T
RESPECT YOUR BOUNDARIES.

If your boyfriend violates the boundaries that you set (or
refuses to agree to them in the first place), break off the
relationship. He can't have his cake and eat it too, and you
deserve to be with a man who will make you the #1 woman in his
life... NO CONTEST.

My Guy Is A Terrible Dresser!

2011-06-07T11:20:00.000-07:00

What do you do if your man can't dress? That is exactly the problem Cynthia is facing. Learn how to kindly guide a guy toward better sartorial choices.

"Hi Paige,

I am hoping that you can help me... I have recently met a
very nice guy but the issue at hand is that his fashion
sense is crippling.

How do I go about addressing such an issue without
offending him?

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Kind wishes,
Cynthia"

************************************************************

PAIGE'S DATING DISH TIP #2: "Show, Don't Tell."

************************************************************

"Hi Cynthia,

In the age of makeover shows like 'Queer Eye for the
Straight Guy' and books like 'The Metrosexual Man's Guide to
Style,' I think the women of our generation have grown
accustomed to men looking more like runway models than, well,
REAL men.

On one hand I think we might be pretty spoiled. On the other
hand, when you take pride in your appearance, there's nothing
wrong with expecting your man to do the same.

I'm glad to see that you haven't decided to overlook this
great guy because of his unfortunate lack of fashion sense.
And I'm happy to report that there IS a way to turn this
situation around, but it's not going to happen by having
a 'talk.' It involves some gentle coaching. See my
Do's and Don'ts below:

DO's and DON'Ts of REVAMPING
YOUR MAN'S STYLE:

DON'T:
...COME RIGHT OUT AND TELL HIM HE'S A LOUSY DRESSER.
Imagine how hurt you'd feel if your guy told you,
"Those pants make you look fat." Well guess what?
Men are sensitive to criticism too. No matter
how well-meaning you are, if you say, "We really
need to work on the way you dress," he's going to
hear "I'm not attracted to you, loser." Sure,
honesty is important in a relationship, but in this
case it's kinder for you to hold your tongue.

...BE PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE.
Almost as destructive as spelling out how you
feel about his taste is to drop hints about it.
"You're wearing THAT?" is not an effective way to
get him to change out of that Calvin and Hobbes
t-shirt before meeting your friends for the first
time.

DO:
...ENCOURAGE HIM WHEN HE PICKS OUT SOMETHING PASSABLE.
If your guy usually wears his stinky college
sweatshirt and holey jeans, but one day steps it up
to a sweater and cords that you can live with, lay on
the praise. "Wow...you look great tonight! Is that
new?" will do the trick. Positive reinforcement
works wonders - the compliment might just make him
try a little harder next time.

...BROWSE IN HIS CLOSET.
Next time you're hanging out at his place, playfully
open his closet door and have a look at his wardrobe.
If there are a few items that are better than his
usual uniform, point them out. "Hey! I've never seen
this shirt. I love it - you should wear it on our next
date!"

...GIVE HIM A VISUAL AID.
Whether it's in a men's magazine like GQ, on TV, or
on a billboard on the freeway, point out well-dressed
men. Say in a very positive voice, "You would look
SO hot in that outfit," or, "Those are the sexiest
jeans... but they'd look even better on you!"

...TAKE HIM SHOPPING.
The next holiday or occasion to come up (his birthday,
Christmas, etc), give him a gift card for a nice
clothing store and note that you want to come with him
to help pick stuff out. It will be a fun bonding
experience for you both, and if you're lucky you'll
have final say on the purchases.

And one final "DO":

DO remember that there's more to a man than the way he dresses!
The truth is, with your help he will probably make SOME
improvement but he might not ever top anyone's "Best Dressed"
list.

When you get to know him for who he is inside, you may grow to
find his fashion faux-pas endearing! Or if not, you can always
call on the "Queer Eye" guys for help."

How to Know When Dating Becomes a Relationship

2011-06-07T10:38:00.000-07:00

This thread on the "Dating" message board is worth sharing thanks to the

lively discussion it inspired, as well as the insightful replies from our

amazing community.

Read on for some great insights about how you know when you are just dating
vs. when you've crossed into relationship territory!

************ORIGINAL POSTER - USERNAME: laurieasmith08 ***************

Ok I know this may be elementary but, when does dating become a

relationship? 1 month? 2 months? Three? when you sleep over? See each

other everyday?

Let me in on the secret.

Laurie

********************REPLY - USERNAME: Gretel**************************

Hello again, i like your questions.

I wondered that too and in my experience (my own and a friend's),

dating becomes a relationship when the guy specifically asks you to

be his girlfriend or makes it crystal clear that he wants you all to

himself.

It really can happen this way and it works well if you are dating

multiple guys - or at least one other.

Until the guy speaks up (and he WILL if he's really wanting you) keep

your lips sealed and focus on yourself and your life. It can be hard

to do when your mind is full of questions and it may feel like you are

acting against all reason but it really is the closest guarantee you

can have of progressing a dating situation into a relationship.

It's almost as if you're treating the dating as just another 'hobby'.

But the more casual or 'less caught up in it' you are the more

attractive you are.

Is that enlightening? I'd be interested to see whats worked for other

women who are in successful relationships!

********************REPLY - USERNAME: Marmoty*************************

Hi, Laurie.

It's probably a little different for everyone, since some guys will

sleep over every night for a month and then turn around and go on a

date with someone else or stop calling altogether.

There's no number or time limit. It's more when he brings you around

his friends and family, or in the way he refers to you in front of

others.

Nowadays, it's tricky because most guys won't formally "ask" a girl

to be their girlfriend, and a lot is left to assumption.

There actually is a section in the e-book Dating Without Drama

where it lists things guys will do or say when they consider

themselves in a relationship. There [is even] a quiz to help you

figure out your own situation, if I recall correctly.

Good luck, and look for the signs but keep your intuition sharp,

since most of the time it's just something you sense. (Be careful,

though, of sensing a commitment because you want one and not because

there is one. )

Hope that helps!

*****************REPLY - USERNAME: robinincarolina********************

Being busy and having a full life has definitely worked for me.

My boyfriend (I can say that now) still asks me out every Saturday

night but he does it by Wednesday. Once he asked me on a Thursday and

I had made other plans. Is this easy? no no no. But does it work?

yes yes yes!!!!

So how did I know I was his girlfriend? It had nothing to do with

sleeping over. It's all in the way he treats me. Calls everyday,

shares his daily experiences with me. Heck, he called me yesterday

and told me he had new tires. lol. Takes me around his grown children

and interacts gallantly with all my crazy girlfriends. They all like

him and he is very tolerant of even the gossipy girlfreind.

He did not ask me to be his girlfriend but in month 3 told me jokingly

"Robin has a boyfriend". I could have jumped for joy but I did not tell

him that. I am 46 he is 49 and we are having a great time.

It's been 10 months now and I still follow Dating Without Drama.

I don't think I would be in this great relationship without it!

*********************REPLY - USERNAME: norapat************************

That's great. I hope it works for me. I met a lovely man 6 weeks ago

and, as he himself says, we're 100% compatible. But I'm being very

wary this time around, and following Paige's rules to the letter!

******************REPLY - USERNAME: spring321me***********************

Gretel, i just love all your responses.... Laurie, stay away from

guys who want to claim we are "INVOLVED" & that's it!!!! and don't

want to be EXCLUSIVE!!!!

That guy I was with did not want to commit but treated me like I was

his Claim to Fame but refused to call me his Girlfriend said we were

INVOLVED... is that supposed to be good enough?? and God forbid if he

knew I was dating anybody else.

So be careful.

*******************REPLY - USERNAME: going2gigs***********************

I wonder about this one too.

I'm currently seeing someone I met via a website. I say 'seeing'

because that's all it is... I think. He recently asked me if I liked

camping and suggested we go away sometime but never offered a rough

timescale.

I've met a few of his distant mates (via a club he's involved with)

but he's otherwise very guarded. We have daily contact via email and

have met up early in the morning (weekends only) for a few hours to go

walking with his dog.

I've recently had a few days off - and so has he, 'unplanned' of

course, but he's never asked to meet up and neither have I. I've been

lied to so many times I don't know if this guy is playing me or if he's

genuine.

He's said he really really likes me/enjoys my company. I'm trying

really hard to be true to myself but I'm faltering. HELP!!

*********************REPLY - USERNAME: Jami***************************

Hi girls!

Im in a similiar situation as gigs. Ive been dating a man since

February. We see each other twice a week faithfully (one weekday and

one weekend night). He always makes sure he has time for me but always

seems to make it perfectly clear that he is not looking to be exclusive.

ODD?!

We have fun together, he has invited me to stay over during the week

and take my time getting ready for work even after he's gone. I met his

adult children early in the relationship but nothing else since then.

We dont talk everyday, but will send a quick text everday to say hello

at the least.

The thing that really confuses me is that he is always telling me what

a "sweet friend" I am and how Im so "cute". I can feel he genuinely

likes me. We met online and he is very open about the fact that he is

dating other women still... does this mean I am def. not the one...or

is he just taking it slow??

******************REPLY - USERNAME: hopeful1116***********************

Jami,

It appears to me that this guy is not ready to commit to you. Also,

since he is referring to you as a "sweet friend", that speaks volumes.

I believe that if a guy is really interested in taking things further,

he wouldn't refer to the woman he was dating as a friend.

The fact that he sees you twice a week is a good sign but I think that

if a guy is really interested he will want to see you anytime during

the week and will make an effort to pick up the phone and call even

if it's just to say, "hi".

I would definetly keep my options open by dating others and staying

busy with the things you love outside of dating. If he truly is

interested, he will be begging to see you more often and will begin

calling more because he will want you all to himself.

********************REPLY - USERNAME: Bliss59*************************

When is dating a relationship? When he says and behaves like it is.

No time scale involved. I think goose and gander comes to mind.

Continue to date other people until he says he wants to be exclusive

and it's what you want as well.

If he thinks you are going to be available every Tuesday and Saturday

that's all you'll ever be, his 2 days a week girl. His 'sweet friend'

who is always there when he wants you. Make yourself a bit more elusive

and ocassionally unavailable. No game playing, just go enjoy your

life with people who appreciate you.

******************REPLY - USERNAME: ohiogrl5960***********************

Jami, are you guys sleeping together? If so, then you are a FWB.

(Friend With Benefits.)

He is still openly dating other women but you are sleeping with him?

I would not let that happen. He will eventually find someone he wants

to commit to and you will be out the door. Be careful here.

*********************REPLY - USERNAME: tmsred*************************

To me, it's knowing what I'm doing every Saturday night. Then that's

when I feel I'm in a relationship. And at least a 1 second, 2 second

call every day to let me know he's thinking about me.

May sound crazy, but I went out with a man for 2-1/2 years and he

called me every day just to say hi. We saw each other one day for

dinner during the week and spent Saturday afternoon and most of Sunday.

And I was perfectly content.

********************REPLY - USERNAME: Gretel**************************

I think the important thing here that we need to be watching out for

is being in 'pretend' relationships. The kind where we believe we are

in a relationship but nothing real has been discussed.

Women can spend years in a pretend relationship and be devastated when

they find out that it had never been going anywhere in the first place.

A pretend relationship is when you stop dating all other men to be

with just one guy when you KNOW he's not committing to you. It's when

you are experiencing feelings of fear: fear that he'll leave you, fear

that you'll make him angry, fear about what he'll think if you are

honest with what you want.

A way to sort the men from the boys here is to be clear (especially

to yourself) what it is that you want and not be asking anything of

the man you are seeing. You make sure you keep your options open

(regardless of how you're feeling about this guy you're keen on).

Don't get entirely emotionally involved with any one guy until

you're sure he means to make you happy forever.

Don't make any guy feel that he's the 'One' until he is committed.

There is nothing wrong with saying that you don't want a boyfriend

but that you want someone to share your life with and settle down -

and you won't become exclusive to anyone until that guy comes along.

Imagine how powerful we'd all feel if we did this! Anyway, just a

few thoughts:)

****************REPLY - USERNAME: princessjules***********************

What worked for me...

As Paige illustrated in her book I was dating a few men (not sexual intimacy of course). One by one I

would decide not for me...

Anyway, the one that I really wanted was aware that I was dating more

than one and he was also dating a few women.

Finally, he told me that he was on a date with another woman but the

entire time he was thinking about me. That had occurred to me as well

while on dates (but I did not tell him that 'til he mentioned it).

Long story short, he told me that he did not want to date anyone else

and asked me to be exclusive with him. Of course I said YES!

**********************************************************************